


but you can see, there are no strings on me

by Iwritefanfictionnottragedies



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 13x22 Coda, ANGST ANGST MOTHERFUCKERS, Angst, M/M, Mildly Suicidal Thoughts, Nightmares, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-05 19:35:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14625582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iwritefanfictionnottragedies/pseuds/Iwritefanfictionnottragedies
Summary: coda for 13x22. Sam has a bad dream about Lucifer and mourns Gabriel.





	but you can see, there are no strings on me

**Author's Note:**

> everybody really liked my angsty coda last time so i thought i'd try this style of writing again. hope y'all enjoy

“-you know, you will always belong to me. I have your mind, wrapped around my pinky finger…You’re my little toy, Sammy, and I’m going to keep winding you up until you break-”

_Lucifer sat on the table, smirking, and Sam felt the tickle of a spider’s legs on his arms. Now, normally, he didn’t mind the arachnid, but in this case, hundreds of thousands of spiders were crawling all over, all over his armslegsface_

_they wouldn’t get off, they wouldn’t get off, they climbed everywhere and he couldn’t see because there were spiders in his eyes and-_

_and then he choked on something and out came a spider, more spiders, crawlingcrawlingcrawling out his throat_

_and all he could do is try to scream, clawing at his tongue as Lucifer giggled, and the word “puppet” chanted in his head, a mantra etched into his brain as he wheezed and struggled and_

_and_

Sam gasped as he sat up in bed, his heart racing from his nightmare. His hands fumbled with his sheets as he choked on his own breath and stumbled for the bathroom. He shook as he reached out for the toilet, retching at the memory of spiders, spiders with their spindly legs making their way up his throat-

crawling out instead of breath, a spider for each second of air he needed-

He bit back a sob, a scream, a whimper. The dreams had disappeared, they had left, he wasn’t scared anymore. Sam shouldn’t be, no, he couldn’t be, no,

he couldn’t be terrified at every waking moment, he couldn’t have Lucifer _in his head again_ , no,

he couldn’t have every thought and feeling prodded through, his mind and body simply a plaything to the archangel’s whim, a puppet to his endless torture

The hunter pushed his fingers through his hair, clutching his pounding head that ached of horrid memories.

“He’s gone,” Sam uttered to himself, as if that were to change the vile fear that was scratching its way back into his mind. “He’s in the apocalypse world. He has to be,” and suddenly, his words weren’t a reassurance, they were a plead to anyone, anyone that could hear, a plead that the devil stayed locked up, like he should.

He knew it was of no avail – nobody listened to prayers anymore.

Sam allowed a tear to trickle down his face before he hastily swiped it away, and pushed himself up to wash his face. He wanted, _needed_ , to convince himself that Lucifer couldn’t hurt him anymore, that Lucifer couldn’t violate his thoughts and his life, that Lucifer couldn’t do any of it, couldn’t kill, couldn’t hurt anymore.

And then his thoughts turned to a sharp twist of events, the quick jab of a knife ending all hope, the wings sizzled into the greyish dirt of that world, the blank, gold, eyes that stared humorlessly up into the sky,

_Gabrielgabrielgabrielcomebacktomeplease_

Oh, god, Gabriel. He had given everything up for them. Sam’s eyes watered, and this time he couldn’t hold back the sobs at the tip of his tongue, and suddenly tears were rolling down his face as he angrily scrubbed them away, because, no, he promised himself he wouldn’t cry over Gabriel,

Gabriel, who just escaped captivity from Asmodeus, Gabriel, who had been tortured for years, Gabriel, ~~who Sam loved~~

should have done something more, he could have done something more, he could have stopped it, he could have

he could have _saved_ Gabriel, but no, he had to stand there as if his limbs were wood and his body was controlled by delicate strings, his strings a noose around his wooden neck, a broken little puppet of the world’s plans-

his head was swimming with thoughts, one offered that he faked his death, because the archangel, he had to be alive, because that’s what he always did, there was always a stunt double, a false, there _had_ to be, he couldn’t be dead, no

but as his voice gave a soft, watery cry of “Gabriel?”, questioning his existence, there was no answer, just the gentle creak of the air conditioner and his shallow breathing

as if Gabriel would answer _him_ , please, _him_ , the worthless human that watched while he was slaughtered

and the absolute, utter, goneness hit him, because this time, he was really and truly dead, this time there were no revivals, no do overs, no whoopsedaisies! This was it, this was the time

it shouldn’t affect him, it shouldn’t, his mind reminds him, because _last_ time you didn’t care, did you? Sure, he wasn’t really dead, but you didn’t know that. You thought he was, and _last_ time, you allowed his brother to spear him, but y’know, all was well,

because you had your keys to end the apocalypse and, you know what? That was all that mattered, right? Not Gabriel, not the fact that _his own brother technically killed him_ , not that his burned out corpse lay of the floor, the ashes of his wings seared into wood,

no, that time you left him to die, that time, you were _glad_ he was gone, his mind taunted scathingly, and guilt wormed its way through his stomach. that time you hated him, that time you couldn’t care less,

but this time was different, he insisted to himself. This time, he knew Gabriel, this time, he cared,

_this_ time was all different because this time everything ached, this time he didn’t care about the semantics about saving the world, and now all he wanted to do was scream, scream, it wasn’t fair, _oh god it wasn’t fair_ ,

he let out a shuddering breath, the world blurry around him, and he clutched anything, everything, he couldn’t see, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t think

puppet strings pulled him up, and he stood, calmly washing his face off,

puppet strings drew his lips back into a false smile,

but the strings couldn’t wrap around his thoughts and then the smile dropped and his body ached and

_oh, god_

Lucifer brought him back, Lucifer should have left him in that cave, Lucifer shouldn’t have put his fingers on his head, and shouldn’t have given him that gentle tap that sent his heart a little reminder to start breathing again, no, no

it wasn’t fair

because he should be dead, not Gabriel, he should be the broken corpse left to rot in the apocalypse world, because he didn’t deserve to be alive, no

no, he didn’t _want_ to be alive, no

not if Gabriel was dead.

 

**Author's Note:**

> yes i cried too you aren't alone  
> cemment end leve kedus


End file.
